The l33test Blog

2004-03-24T00:33:00.000-05:00

No recount/Supreme Court ruling necessary

And the poll is closed on the question of: If you are one of Ashley J's friends, does she terrify you. Here are some of the responses:

NotBrianSweetser: i forgot how much terror ashley impacted me with until she actually found this screen name the other day, she was already back to her wacky antics and wouldnt give up on her sources so im thinkin she hacked my glavin

katiemc25: shes like a little mouse that dresses up in a scary rat costume, but in reality shes a little mouse
katiemc25: a black one, with a white spot on its chest where it dropped a ciggerette

Spamburglor: Ashley has tried to bite me on several occasions
She also goes to my school
Spamburglor: I LIVE IN FEAR

JilLeigh105: hey Kurdi, this is Jill. and yes, she does terrify me. especially when she touches me inappropriately :-[

SullyX531: and im gunna say a big fuckin yeah to your poll

staraleta (11:51:04 PM): I have strict orders from ashley to answer this poll. she only scares me when i think about how i'm actually friends with her or she touches me
staraleta (11:54:36 PM): ok, i now change my response. she is the reason i dont sleep at night
staraleta (11:54:38 PM): JouJou Chic1402 (11:54:16 PM): i'll creep up to ur room and watch you while you sleep tonight cuz i'm sure someone will let me in

kalauskaslauskas: she scares me a little :-[ but i'm afraid to say it.

EmilyF429: haha, Ashley wants me to answer your poll...my answer: yes, she terrifies me. I live in fear every day of my life, because I live with her, and I know I can never get away from her :-[

ArabScarab84: dude ashely once told me she wanted to fondle my penis and watch it grow

SamStone84: i met ashley she terrifies me does that count?

PalmZ4851: no

I don't think any witty commentary is necessary here: the poll speaks for itself.

K-$$ out.

2004-03-21T20:57:00.000-05:00

This is awesome

This is Amazing

Shamelessly stolen from the Lord Dogg (Joe the Show) who protested with:

Godslefthand: then help a brother out and say his name when'ya grab his boys
Godslefthand: aces
Godslefthand: i'm from the 50s, chief. we speak with a different sort of cool

K-$$ out.

2004-03-20T01:10:00.000-05:00

Pikachu I choose you

These up and downs are no fun at all. I dont get it, I had a really fun day ... went to the mall, played video games at Fran's, poker, mall again, more video games, made jokes, had fun ... but as soon as I got home I came under attack. A depressed and anxious feeling descended on me and I can't shake it. The only thing I can think of is I'm not truly happy, that maybe its possible to "put on a happy face" in a crowd but when I dont have to put on that face ... I don't. Yesterday was fun too, hitting up the North End and everything else ... but now I just feel so down. Its weird though, its not like a depressed "the sky is falling" or even a "i just wanna listen to emo music and die" depression. I'm very calm, composed ... maybe it isnt even being depressed at all. I think its more feeling empty from not being happy and not being sad, just emptyness. Maybe thats the worst thing.

K-$$ out.

2004-03-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

Who am I

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis right now I'd say. In spite of my success as an academic, I've learned there's alot more to the world than just practical rational thinking. Since starting serious study in college I've come into contact with philosophy, religious law, and mysticism as major directions of reorienting myself. Of course, at the same time there's always other things like falling in love, moving to another country, or fighting in a war. Oh well, things to contemplate while I continue being an intellectual academic ...

K-$$ out.

2004-03-16T00:14:00.000-05:00

A second chance means nothing, if nothing's learned from past mistakes

Yeah so after an eventful weekend to say the least ( the 30 min St. A's to Atown, 100mph avg speed drive on Friday and Dee's house on Saturday, not to mention finally passing in my Advanced Study Grant proposal Monday) it looks like the week is going to suck. Could somebody tell me why the snowstorm couldnt come when i DONT HAVE TO COMMUTE WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. Not only that, Tuesday is miserably long and I think I miss Lebanon. Oh well, I'll know if I'm going by the 2nd week in April ... I guess its the not knowing that kinda sucks.

Im kinda disappointed in how arrogant i've been lately, especially about academics. Gotta work on that, but self-criticism always bums me out. Oh well, its the ebb and the flow.

PS God, I would like you to drop me a great looking redhead from the sky to be my girlfriend. Thanks.

K-$$ out.

2004-03-13T05:33:00.000-05:00

The year is After Colony 195 ...

What Gundam Wing Character Are You?

There is such a thing as too much Japanimation ...

K-$$, The Great Destroyer, out-

We can't afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be Invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
It's a do or die situation
We will be Invincible

Pat Benetar pwnz

2004-03-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

Camp Trin Trin etc

So yeah its been a few days since I posted in the blog, and for that I eternally apologize. To make a long story short, Trinity was an all around great time. In fact, I think it was exactly what I needed to refocus myself. Fran fucking up Jewish bread prayer, Barbosa as MIA, "YOU'RE THE MUSLIM WONDER", BB gunfight, seniors streaking, hold 'em, Jewish keg party, Fran's pledge name: Ass tulip, etc etc ... I <3 Trincoll ... I've been living like a hermit in terms of studying this whole semester, I rarely go out at all. Having a weekend away doing all new things was a great use of leisure time. In fact, in spite of being exhausted from lack of sleep I feel like Im ready to take on academia and beat it like it stole something. I hope to make these Trinity excursions more common.

So yeah, so back at BC. Apparently I am shit stomping my classes this semester. I have 100s on both of my Stats quizes, I got an A on my poli sci paper worth 30% of my grade, and in History I have 2 100s, and a 93 on quizes and a B+ on my first paper. I cant wait to get that Advanced Study Grant and peace the fuck out for an amazing summer in Beirut.

but at the same time, I wish I'd be here in atown ...

im gonna take the optimistic approach to this and say either way, the summer is going to r0x the b0x on f0x. Get at me already May ...

K-$$ out.

2004-03-04T01:24:00.000-05:00

Anatomy of a Broken Heart

Why is it so hard for me to smile when I'm alone? I feel like every day, one more pillar holding up my faith in myself cracks. It might not cause the whole structure to fall, but enough cracks and even the most monumentally constructed ediface can crumble. Every story about my own love life is a fault line while the stories of my friends are veins leading out, crisscrossing and reinforcing, and at the very end, every song and TV show is a hair thin capillary. The blueprint for a broken heart.

And I have this compulsion to just throw down my cards and cut my losses. It's a horrible analogy when you try and fit it over friends and memories, but I cant help but feeling like I'm losing out in the end. Its like im infected with distractions and diversions, and I waste my thought process trying to say the right thing to a girl instead of trying to say the right thing to myself. By virtue of lack of success at commoditizing my heart, i still keep my passion. But passion can be a bad thing: a false diety even unto itself. I find myself, and everybody around me, trying to find temporal objects to imbue with divinity. Fun is a big one. Live for the moment, live the life that makes you smile, etc. Well I suppose, but what's fun isnt always whats right. Its alot easier to do right when its fun and pleasurable, but "no pain no gain". By no means has my life been miserable the past 2 years, but it has been marked by an increase in adversity. This has made me a better person. Having fun keeps me sane, and maybe even keeps me alive, but using it as a compass is impossible. It has no magnetic pole to orient itself to.

So yeah, about sleeping and killing these thoughts until they resurrect themselves ...

K-$$ out.

2004-03-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

The ebb and the flow

Lately, I feel as though I'm having an identity crisis. I've been doing alot more reading and thinking than I used to, but it dosen't feel very comforting yet. I've been hanging out with people less as a result, and it isnt as bad as I think it should be. I mean, I'm not happy per se with how things are going, but it is peacefull on the surface. This spring break is hardly a break at all, with the 3 papers and hundreds of pages of reading due, but it is a break from people. The only person I see on a regular basis is Desousa, and thats because he wakes me up and makes me go to the gym. All the reading I have been doing has reinforced the isolation: I am not like anyone else. Before, it was merely a spice of diversity and contribution of a differing viewpoint. Now, its more of a dialectic: Me vs. everyonelse, trying to ascertain truth. Maybe I've taken all the lessons I can from being a teenager in the West. Maybe its time to grow up. Maybe its time to move on?

I still listen to emo, bitch about girls, joke around and laugh with friends and LOVE the OC ... but I'm filled with budding political,religious and moral convictions: convictions that if develop fully will put me diametrically opposed to everything American in me. This process of finding a middle ground is so tough ... I can't help but feel the danger of one side completely annihilating the other. It's the ebb and the flow of my life, and I think its starting to erode who I am, in favor of who I'm going to be.

K-$$ out.

P.S. Can I just say that a conversation with Fran Sullivan is the counterweight to any of my own doubts about American culture? Any culture that creates a kid like Fran is A-OK in my book. GG Fran, GG @ Life.

2004-02-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

All quiet on the academic front

Spring break officially started at 2:45pm today, and it couldnt have come any sooner. A week off sounds amaaaaaaazing right now. Oh don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of shit to do (Write a book review, fill out my application for an Advanced Study Grant, do my taxes online and fill out FAFSA, etc ... tutoring, training, gym ... DJing perhaps ...) but im feeling good.

that is all.

P.S. Am I anti-Semetic if when I hear the word "Israel" or I see an Israeli flag, I cringe and feel like throwing up with moral disgust?

K-$$ out.

2004-02-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

Houston, we have a problem ...

Ok so maybe not a problem, but sort of: I don't know what I'm looking for as far as immediate social goals in life are concerned. I can't say the past couple months have been an unhappy time in my life, and I can't say that they haven't been focused on a goal either. But as far as short term goals, I've just been kind of going with the flow. I mean before I always had some fun diversion: computer games, girls, hanging out in big groups. But now there's no time for computer games, less time and commitment for girls, and everyone's off at college. I'm feeling an odd sort of bewilderment at not having any real immediate social goals ... its weird being alone and not terribly lonely.

Don't get me wrong, Desousa is always around the corner with some odd scheme to partake in and Capasso is not much farther away shaking his head at aforementioned odd scheme. My reclusion isnt really forced: I could easily just go hang out on campus, or anyone's campus. It's just all the reading has sort of binded me to my room, in spite of my 4 day weekends. I spent those 4 day weekends reading ... sort of an odd situation.

Oh well, back to reading ...

K-$$ out.

2004-02-23T00:24:00.000-05:00

Rasheed Kurdi and a Semester Abroad

Yeah the title dosen't really correspond to anything, but Brand New is just amazing. Or maybe it does, seeing as I just stumbled onto all of my old sent emails from last year during my "semester abroad" in Lebanon. Now I'm all sketched out with nostalgia for both January '03 in Atown, Feburary '03 emails, and March and April '03 in Lebanon. Oh well, no use fighting memories of the past ...

I may be a much better person in Feburary '04, but I was a whole lot happier in Feburary '03, and life didn't seem like it could get much worse around Feburary '02 (I remember Valentine's day that year vivedly for some reason, both good and bad)

Life's interesting ...

K-$$ out.

2004-02-15T02:55:00.000-05:00

Did you know you were the girl that made love a four letter word?

Valentine's day 2k4 has come and gone, and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. Maybe it was the fact that I didnt have a valentine, or maybe it was the fact that I spent the whole day reading. Maybe its the fact that I didnt bear witness to a single shred of positive news about any couples today. "Love" is a constricting paradox, if it's love at all. I think the love that I lament is tainted with jealousy and emotional baggage. Everywhere I turn, I reason problems and dilemmas and issues associated with "love": betrayl of trust, insensitivity, unwanted pregnancy, the list goes on. But as I see these issues, and the emotional manifestations of anger, hopelessness, and anxiety manifested in those "in love" I fall ever more envious. It's like quicksand.

I think my main moral strength is hardly my unflaggering morality in the face of sin, because lets face it, I've sinned. It is the ease with which I subject myself to harsh self criticism. Sure, some could argue it causes my chronic depressed disposition, but at the same time it is why I have maintained my morals in the face of an morally toxic West. By no means am I saying I am unscathed and uncorrupted by sin. I still actively seek out situations that are less than moral, and I still engage in actions that at their best are condemned by Divine law. I'm a work in progress ...

So right, Valentine's day. I honestly wish I had some contemplation about it to post, but the fact is I spent the whole day reading and not thinking about love. Seriously, 90% of my thoughts are about love (and I define love very broadly in this sense). Why do I have to conform to some contrived holiday to tourture myself? I do it every other day for no reason.

K-$$ out.

2004-02-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

The post below this one is much more interesting

It is, I admit it. It's back to boring posts about how fucked up my mind and society is and blah blah blah. I really wish the adernaline and euphoria from coming near death didnt wear off so quick. I found it sort of ironic that for a while, I had been praying to God to put some meaning in my life ... no that's not the right wording, more to let me appreciate the fact that I am alive. Well, the highway certainly provided that. But now I'm back to square one.

I really love the Internet, it is utterly connecting and totally divisive at the same time. It allows me to fracture my personality into little IM windows: happy in one, sad in another, angry in another. It lets me grandstand for political causes and lament my loss of faith in love in another. The Internet, and AIM in particular, is the best and worst thing for me: it affords me superficial social connectivity at the cost deeper empathy. It's easy for me to sit and crack jokes on IM, and just as easy to hide behind an away message when I'm miserable.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone: I'm the one that does the hiding. But still maybe it is entirely way too easy for us to fool each other when we try to interpret and encapsulate each other in 1024 characters on an AIM profile, and another 1024 characters in an away message. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way ... probably not.

K-$$ out.

2004-02-09T00:33:00.000-05:00

The Lowell Connector ... of Death

So yeah, remind me never to drive ANYONE, ANYWHERE I dont know where I'm going. So I finish off a nice easy ride to Lowell with Cipolle, taking him back to school. I even navigate the mean streets of Lowell (and they are fucking mean) just fine. I just have a little trouble getting on the fucking highway. Turns out in all their glee of getting the Big Dig finished only $20 Billion dollars overdue, the massachusetts highway office forgot to put in proper signs telling me HOW TO FUCKING GET ONTO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

So so I start to merge as someone passes me by going the opposite direction. Odd I say to myself, why isn't there a double yellow line. Then I see a median start to form, and I see a symmetrical highway structure to my right. Now, at this point I'm about 75% I'm on the wrong side of the fucking Lowell connector highway. I get to a full 100% awareness I'm on the wrong side of the road when oncoming traffic comes cruising at me at a relative speed of about 100mph. Now at this point, I figure I have two options: Die, or get the fuck on the other side of the road. So, it goes without saying I take my sweet lil Toyota Camry and go right into the median full speed and clear it.

K-$$: 1, Death: 0 (Thank you Allah)

K-$$ out.

2004-02-07T03:02:00.000-05:00

This is getting old

After what could be considered a great day (I even went to the gym), I find myself in the all too familiar position of in front of my keyboard at 3am, in what could be considered a bad mood. Why ... I don't know. And frankly, I'm sick of it. Today, a mother found out her 11 year old girl that was kidnapped was murdered. Is any pain or suffering that I'm feeling right now come even close to that? No. Dozens of people in Moscow were killed in the subway. 18 people drowned in the UK in a tide disaster. Millions of people in Africa have AIDS. what the FUCK is wrong with my life that makes me despair like this? I wish I knew ...

All I do know is its a vicious cycle: Have a mood swing, feel guilty, react with anger, post about it on blog, feel defeated, and go to bed feeling worthless.

The best part is, I'll forget all about this by morning. Then it's back to my shallow American college student life. And I bitch about it like its bad ... Someone give me a gun, I just want to go to war. On any side, I don't care. I just want to put my life on the line, and appreciate for about 10 seconds. Then get immolated with napalm fire.

K-$$ out.

2004-02-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Open Road Post

Can I just say how much I love driving? That is all.

K-$$ out.

2004-02-04T23:46:00.000-05:00

Waiting to wake up

Somedays it feels like i'm waiting to wake up. I mean that I go through a sequence of events, and it only serves to alienate me from people. I get so detached, I start genuinely wondering if this life is even real? I feel like I'm in that fuzzy half dream/half awake state where you know you're dreaming but you cant help but act it out. It's like living life trapped in 3rd person narration, where you feel pity for the subject of a story, but its contrived. I'm contrived. A false exterior juxtaposed against a soul that I cant even relate to. I dont even know myself ... no one knows themselves. No one knows each other. We all know absolutely nothing, and yet we carry on as if the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Love is still going to exist. People will all be alive. Normal. Life is anything but normal. The sun might not rise tomorrow, love could be an illusion, and death is always there.

and at the same time, I have hope. Hope? Why ... I dont know. All I know is that it comes from my soul, not from reason. It comes out of faith. And no, I don't mean organized religion, but its tied to that. I have faith, irrational and overpowering. It offsets every unpleasant certainty, and paints it over. It blurs the lines. Its the only thing worth living for. What's love? Its irrational too. I'll tell you what I think it is. Love is having faith in a person. Its as simple as that. It could very well be misguided, and it is most certainly abused. But it is so magical because its divine. It's one of God's greatest gifts. Love is faith, and faith is the only certainty in a world of uncertainty.

K-$$.

2004-02-02T00:56:00.000-05:00

SUPER BOWL BABY

a big w00000t to the Pats for taking it home this year. yeah New England YEAH.

P.S. Why do I always find myself in these paradoxical situations? In fact, I'm not even going to remember what I wrote this post script about in a month or two, but still ... I figure its going to still apply to something else further down the line. It's like a transcendant theme of my life.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

I apologize

For those of you that tune into the updates of my life for amusement, I'm sorry I've been slacking off lately. My schedule's been completely different now with school in full swing. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I'm rediculously busy and then the other four days im just too lazy to do much except work and homework. But, there have been a few major developments:

First and foremost, I FINALLY got my license. That's right. I'm 19. I had my permit for 2 years. I finally took my road test yesterday, and I aced it up like no other. Or, like everyone else that has had a road test. Anways ... yeah, pending a quick phone call to the insurance to get on it, watch out Atown ... the ill old ass Camry will be on the prowl.

I also saw the hottest non-redhead girl ever last night at my job. In fact Fran's away message said it all:

Autoresponse from SullyX531:

on topic of a very hott underage

TheMuslimWonder: i know this is a bit rash
TheMuslimWonder: but as long as I didnt get jail time, even if I got a felony count
TheMuslimWonder: I would still have sex with her
TheMuslimWonder: and i'd put it down with pride
TheMuslimWonder: on every job application
TheMuslimWonder: "have you ever been charged with a felony?"
TheMuslimWonder: "YOU FUCKING BET"

too bad she's in high school, and has a "loving boyfriend" according to a friend of mine there. All I know is, I better get the job to DJ her prom. Lets face it, girls can't resist DJ K-$$. Right, anyways ...

I suppose school has been going well too. On Monday I have some "luncheon" sponsored by the University Fellowships Committee to talk about planning for a Rhodes, Marshall, or Fullbright scholarship after graduation. Sounds kinda interesting, and its lunch on them so I'm down.

These 4 day weekends are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Re: Urgent Matter

An excerpt of an email from my boss for tutoring entitled "Urgent Matter". It was basically about a girl who needed to secure my permission to do an independent study:

"Her registration is apparently contingent upon a conversation with you"

I think this is the first time anything has ever been "contingent" on my approval ... least of all someone's registration in a course.

I actually feel important ...

And now for something completely different, high school relationships are cruel and fickle. I suppose this logic could extend into relationships that started in high school, or maybe even early college relationships. I dont know, only time will tell....

K-$$ out.

2004-01-26T01:54:00.000-05:00

They are the fucking rake ...

I love when I take a chance and try and find contentment, mutual understanding, and maybe even a connection when talking to a girl, I just get reminded that I think on a different plane of existance than every other fucking being that I come into contact with.

Now I remember why I'm shy, because girls suck ... that bottle of rubbing alcohol looked like a real fun time until I was told they put poison in it so people cant drink it for cheap. Foiled again.

Well at least January 25th is fucking over, the sooner I get the fuck out of this piece the better ... This Western worldview is like a fucking infection in my soul, and a tumor in my mind ... Westoxification ...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm never going back to a 5 day workweek again

Yeah, I think 3 contiguous days of school a week are just dandy. Monday and Friday have officially been annexed into the weekend. Not to mention the classes are interesting ...

but I have a somber statement to make.

After weeks of criticizing Fran Sullivan for his primetime television habits, namely watching "the OC", I have to come forward with a declaration. So as not to be hypocritical, and to embrace who I really am as a lover of sappy over-dramatized stories about troubled teens with money that like similar music to me, I must acknowledge a dark truth.

I like the OC.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-19T03:56:00.000-05:00

West Villiage: Cairo

It could have been any city in the Arab world, but instead it was Ashley's RA's room. Tonight was spent with sheesha, arabic coffee, and political discussion. It was exactly like every other night I spent in Lebanon, well with the exception of the LSH girls from 610 and Ash J (apparently I'm now the token boy of LSH, I'm flattered). Proving once again that it is a small world after all, Dan (Ashley's RA) also has some family in Lebanon and is tight with a Dr. (Dennis I think?) Sullivan, who just happened to go to the cleaners my parents owned and ate dinner with us a few times when I was little. Dan is also a poli sci geek, and so me Ali and him spent hours talking about arab politics while having sheesha and listening to arab music.

Oh man, I can't wait for school to start ... assuming I can convince the faculty I need to let me into their classes.

Faith Elements in Conflict
Islamic Political Philosophy
Statistics
The Challenge of Justice
Modern World History II (Globalization)

AND if I convince a faculty member to sponsor me ... I could get BC to foot the bill for my trip to Lebanon this summer.

AND AND AND THE PATS ARE IN THE SUPERBOWL (ok, I admit there are fans who know more about the sport than I do, and watch alot more football than I do ... but I still feel happy they are in the super bowl)

wow 4am ... the day after tomorrow I have to wake up at 6:30am ... but I am mad relaxed from all that sheesha ...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-16T03:22:00.000-05:00

Introducing special envoy Richard Kurdi

I think tonight I came to the full realisation that diplomacy and politics are the logical extension of my life...

Now if only I could get rid of my demons ...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-14T03:05:00.000-05:00

Failure by Design

I honestly don't get it, why when I sit home alone at night I turn into such a wreck. Not even like, a crying hysterical wreck but more of a quiet, sunk in my own thoughts wreck. I sit in my room with headphones and listen to acoustic songs about love, reading books about war, and read people's profiles online. Then as I take in all this input, I filter it through my senses for everything that makes me jealous. Little notes to significant others signed with initials, snapshots of smiling faces. Never mind I know the initials will change as time goes on, and the smiles are just as short-lived. I can find a reason to envy everyone and anyone.

It feels like a hole slowly tearing open, the more I achieve and the better rounded I become. As I add on positive achievments and good times with my friends, I get this sinking feeling that it's all in vain. The hole is in my psyche, and it eats away my confidence and happyness. I feel like a key being used on the wrong locked door: the more I try and force myself to fit, the further in I slides ... and the more friction and tension I feel. And the door won't open.

I don't know for sure what's wrong with me. All I have is theories: There's a chemical imbalance in my head, or I'm just not cut out to live here in America, or this is just God testing me. All I know is I have felt like this the past 2 years. What freaks me out is that in these past two miserable years, I have pushed myself to become a much better person. A sort of baptism by fire. I don't have any real problems, but I have plenty of imaginary ones in my head. Well, maybe imaginary is the wrong word. All I know is I want to run away from my life here. Just muck my identity like a losing poker hand, and live a simple life in Lebanon. Just get married, have kids, and settle down. But I can't.

As someone compassionate and intelligent, I'm obligated to help those less fortunate than me. I have to use my God given talents to better the world, or else I feel worthless. I have to stay in school, and reach the highest level I can because I owe that much. To who, I dunno: the world, myself, my parents, God, my brother ... I dont know. All I know is I have to try and save the world. I want to be a hero or die trying. A martyr.

I'm just afraid there are too many distractions here...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

Where in the world is Ms. Lahey

Damn the stupid high school, and not being able to find Ms. Lahey. She was out when I visited over Thanksgiving break, and she wasnt in her class this time. Coooooooome awwwwwwwwwwwwnnn.

Well the high school looks the same as ever, so I dont know what that means ... guess it sucks. I did see a girl with a Thursday shirt, which I suppose was cool. Didn't see many kids I knew, but I guess that happens after a few years out of high school ... they graduate. Oh well, back to reading about poker and listening to Thursday ...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

I guess this is that comfortable medium ...

After a nice full day, I'm pretty beat. In a very relaxed mood, not too manic crazy and not depressed ... just right. Wish I could hold onto this for a while, but we'll see ... I'm gonna end this day on a good note ... peace.

Pleased with how well I played cards today ... still lost 13 bucks, but only because I got stupid and unfocused at the end ... woulda ended up money for the day if not. But a 13 dollar lesson isnt too bad, and besides it was like 4 hours of fun.... 13/4 is like 3.50/hr ... not bad.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-11T05:15:00.000-05:00

Oh man I feel great

Yeah I wasnt last night, but now I'm on this manic rush ... what people fail to realize, is being bipolar is fun half of the time. A shout out to mah nigga Cpt. Fran 'X' Sullivan is in order, and so there it is. GG sir, well played. I am so ready for poker tomorrow if it goes down, you have no idea. It's the last game of vacation, and the biggest possibly, so it will be the LAST time I spend money this vacation. And who knows, I might win a few bucks ...

As I look over my desk, I find out how interesting it looks. In addition to the laptop that I'm typing on right now, I have 4 different books strewn out along the desk: a book on hold 'em poker, a book on computer network security, a book on Islamic philosophy, art and theology, and a book on the Lebanese guerrilla group Hezbollah. Gambling, hacking, politics, and religion ... am I well rounded or what? There's also a deck of cards, a driving permit a month away from expiring, and a clock that says it's 5:30am. Fuck, time for sleep.

w00000000t. I r0x0r t3h b0x0r!! GO PATS@!!@@!!!

K-$$ out.

2004-01-10T05:48:00.000-05:00

The paradox of me

Ok it's been a full two hours since my previous post, and we have a new development: I'm completely insane. I'm going to try and record what I'm thinking by freewriting it down, so I can psychoanalyze myself later. The basic idea is that I am the most conflicted person you will ever meet.

This confliction is the basis of my personality. There is contradiction in every act and every thought of my being. And I'm not talking about small disagreements, I'm talking enough ammunition to tear me apart. Lets take a few examples:

This blog is a great example: it is accessible in theory to everyone on the Internet. It's my megaphone to yell at the world, and air out my feelings. Why do I publish very personal thoughts and feelings about what's wrong with my life, but if a close friend ever asked what was wrong I'd tell them nothing and deny any help from anyone? How can somebody let themself be so exposed to the world, and stay so reserved from close friends?

Friends are another example. I love all my friends, and I try at all times to be there for them to the point where I'd kill myself to see them succeed. Then how can I say, without a shred of fallacy, that I could leave this country and I'd never look back ... and leave all my friends behind me. Sure, I say I would come back and visit my friends but the fact of the matter is that packing up and leaving this country dosent make me blink an eyelid. How can I be so empathetic and apathetic at the SAME time ...

The way I view people is another big, unhealthy fucking contradiction. When I talk to people, I try very hard not to come off as an asshole. I try and always make them happy, as if my happyness depended on it. I try especially hard not to brag or seem concieted (i'm not perfect though, I can be an asshole) But at the same time, I see everyone as worthless trash not going anywhere in life. Sometimes, I look at a person and all that's going through my mind is how flawed they are, how insignificant they are, and how easy it would be to break them. Not very nice? You're right. I'm the most compassionate asshole you'll ever meet.

My own self-image is perhaps the most unhealthy of all contradictions. The way I carry on with people, I try and downplay myself as much as possible, and seem humble. I see the merits of others as clearly as I see the flaws of myself. I constantly admonish myself and try and empathize with people by telling them everything that's right with them. While I do that, I try and convince people their problems aren't so bad, and how they have it so well. I work tirelessly at correcting my flaws, and I never allow someone to reverse the roles and be my therapist. I feel like I'm always on the edge of a cliff, and unless I better myself I'm going to be worthless. At the same time ... I think that I am the most important, intelligent, and capable person I have ever met. I think that out of everyone I know, I am going to make the largest impact on the world. I am going to be important, and I swear that God has taken special attention to keep me on the right path. I am the most precious piece of shit in the world.

This contradiction is the one that keeps me up tonight. I feel worthless, isolated, and that no one cares. But I have no one to blame for this condition except myself. I am my most vocal and bitter critic, I am the only one that keeps me isolated, and I do not let people care about me. But I don't just feel worthless, isolated, and unloved tonight ... I feel angry. I want to lash out and destroy everything around me, physically and emotionally. Why would someone want to help me, if they risk me lashing out at them? Just because I do it for others ... No, compassion is not necessarily a reciprocal process. I'm too rational to let unbridled anger take control for too long, so I start repressing my anger again ... and I feel the sadness. Until it builds up, and I lash out again ... until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

My names are Richard Kurdi and Rasheed Ali Al-Kurdi. I'm a sinner and a saint, a hero and a villian, a comic and a cynic, and the most worthless and important person you will ever meet.

2004-01-10T03:31:00.000-05:00

Happy B-days all around

Solid night altogether, whether it be some people (who shall remain nameless) throwing some game at the ugly girls, Josh pissing in the Red line and then the doors jamming, another Asian sensation puking on the Green line, Fran getting the worst balltap I have seen in over 4 years (since sweetser's sister did the double fisted uppercut of doom to Capasso's croutch when she was like 9), or a crazy game of poker that cleaned me out for the rest of vacation ...

In a word, solid. I may not have any money ... but I still got looks, brains, and an enormous wang. Who needs money with all that?

It's gonna be a dull rest of vacation, but I can't complain.

PS Happy B-day Desousa, Andrew Lee, and random lady on the T.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-09T04:42:00.000-05:00

Oh shit!

So I go downstairs at about 4:30am to get a late night/ breakfast snack and I see that my report card for college came in the mail and my rents put it on the fridge. No surprise for the grades and GPA, and for getting first honors. What made me say 'oh shit' was the class rank: 94 outta 1729. Being the geek that I am, I plugged that fraction in my calculator and found out the percent:

5.4%

I did better than 94.6% of my classmates. I am the fucking man.

Sorry, but I don't get much to brag about ... BOO YA!!

K-$$ out.

2004-01-09T02:26:00.000-05:00

I r t3h winz!!

Tonight was the first time I won money at cards!! it was only 5 bucks but still, it bought me fun for three hours and covered my dinner from 7-11.

I r t3h pwner w00t w00t

m4v out.

2004-01-08T06:04:00.000-05:00

Early morning rambling

Sometimes, I look at my life and I feel sad that certain things havent gone my way. I look back and have regrets and disappointments, mostly related to girls. And then I pick up a book and read about real suffering: about women killed and raped at gunpoint during military occupations, and fathers forced to watch their children and wives executed before they're killed themselves. Of babies being born into the world minutes from death because the hospital they were born in got bombed with Phosphorus shells. Of people so much in grief that their eyes go blind from the grief: that their bodies shut down their sense of sight because its become too traumatic. And then I think that I should shut the fuck up, because I should be using my voice to advocate for those who can't ask for justice, and not bitch about things that really aren't that important.

2004-01-08T03:34:00.000-05:00

One small step for m4v ...

The end of an era maybe: I have made an appointment for a road test January 30th. Please, hold your applause ... it's only taken about 1 year and 11 months since I got my permit, and about 2 years 7 months since I was elligible for it to happen.

Looks like everything is on the up and up, I'm pretty happy ... especially from news coming out of the corner of one of my Subspace playing bros, keep up the good work.

Maybe i'll watch the sunrise today, and wake up as the sun sets

K-$$ out.

2004-01-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

Learning by experience blows!!

Yeah, and on that note ... I fucked up my beard trying to trim it. The hair on my face is like blonde, whereas my head its like dark. I'm kinda pissed, but that dumb idiom keeps going through my head "no use crying over spilled milk." It's true though, so I guess I'll go through the rest of vacation looking like im 16 without bitching too much.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-05T01:11:00.000-05:00

That was a crazy game of ...

I need to stop catching streaks of bad luck at poker. Maybe God's trying to tell me something? like ... GAMBLING'S WRONG. But, I don't like to look at it as gambling. I like to think that it's just an educational progress, until I'm good enough that it isnt a function of luck as much as anything else in life. I do have to say though, the most unlucky break I caught today was when Fran fucked up dealing the pocket cards and I had muck my pocket rockets (Two Aces). That sucked. Oh well, no more poker games when school is in session for me, so I guess its a temporary thing.

This excerpt from a book I'm reading caught my attention:

"I had tied my handkerchief to the radio aerial of our car to make a flimsy white flag. It was supposed to show the Syrians that we were neutrals, that we meant no harm. We also thought that - if by some mischance we drove unwittengly through the Israeli lines - it might prevent the Israelis from firing at us. Given the extent of the Israeli defeat, it is unlikely that it would have saved our lives. But the handkerchief, flapping pathetically in front of the driver's side of the front window, caught the attention of a Syrian tank crew outside Ain Dara. The men were eating their lunch on the grass besides their vehicle and one of them stood up, a tall man with sandy hair showing beneath his helmet. He walked to our car, not vindictively but with a great sense of purpose, clutched my handerchief and tore it from the aerial. He then handed it to me. 'No white flags,' he said."

Is it wrong if I almost wish I had a war to go fight in? You know, a shot of adrenaline and fear to make me appreciate life? Problem is, that whole dying possibility. Oh well, 2 more weeks of vacation then its back to the academic trenches to fight the good fight ...

K-$$ out.

2004-01-04T05:06:00.000-05:00

File under 'W' for wtf

I just wanna know how my night went from grabbing food and babysitting with deanna, to driving (yes, me driving ... yes that IS illegal: no license) desousa's street illegally window tinted car back to Atown from Watertown because he had to drive malaka's (who was shattered) brand new car at 4:30am.

In fact, I don't want an explanation ... I like it more this way

Oh and on another note, arrogance isnt cool ... it's especially uncool if you have no reason to be arrogant.

K-$$ out.

2004-01-01T03:06:00.000-05:00

Alone In The World

If happyness is booze and high school girls, somebody get me the fuck out of this life. I didn't know what to expect this New Year's Eve, but I guess I do now. Somewhere in between drinking and walking around with people everywhere hooking up I realized something ... I hate everybody.

I wish I could explain it. I'm not furious or even pissed off. I feel very calm. But I dont think I've felt this disappointed in a long time. The worst part is, I was having fun as I slowly came to a realization: this is all bullshit. This social scene I was so happy to be in: party, booze, girls, friends, drunken escapades ... it all stopped being fun. I don't really have any reason to be disappointed, nobody in particular did anything ... but something clicked. I hate my life.

So, what am I gonna do ... kill myself? Hardly. Just because I hate this life, dosent mean I don't have another lined up 10,000 miles away. In fact, there used to be a debate about when I would leave. Just last week, I was arguing with my dad over whether they should let me stay here in the States to finish college. Not anymore. I'm out of this piece ASAP. I won't look back, not for anyone or anything. There isnt anything

People probably won't understand, but what else is new. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I need to cut my losses and get the hell out of here while I'm still somewhat sane.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-31T03:04:00.000-05:00

gg 2003

2003 ... it was the best of years, it was the worst of years.

Well maybe not quite, but it had its ups and downs. From my first serious relationship, to spending 3 months in Lebanon, to working 9-5 for a couple months, and finally back to school. Pretty much went full circle: the end of 2002 with my future in disarray, to the end of 2003 with my future as clear as it's been in a while. From having a relationship at the end of 2002, to not here at the end of 2003. As Desousa would tell me, "Everything moves in a circle" ... well maybe not everything, but surely life has its cycles.

The end of 2003 has me stronger than ever: bringing in a decent income, 3.86 GPA, great group of friends, tons of family back home that I know about now, and alot more life experience, and a clear direction of where I'm headed so far (not to mention facial hair). But this end of 2003 also has scary flashbacks to the end of 2001 ... a time of emotional crisis and turning points. While I am a stronger, and a better rounded person now ... I've always still got other demons left.

2003 has set up a question that will probably occupy me much of 2004: When am I moving back to Lebanon? Will I spend next new year's eve in the States? Will I never go back to my "home"? Do I pursue my International Studies here in the States at BC (pending my acceptance to the major), or do I do what's best for my family and pack up shop to the American University in Beirut. Tough questions ... but I've got all of next year to settle them.

Oh well, gonna listen to Jet Black New Year by Thursday maybe a half dozen times and then head to bed for a few hours...gg all, next yr plz.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-30T00:25:00.000-05:00

She knows me too well

Rielly024 (12:23:14 AM): kurdi, tn is an off nite for you, could you @ least use lots of exclamation points to pretend ur happy

sure thing!!!!

I'll post some bullshit later!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-$$ out for now!!!!!

2003-12-29T04:43:00.000-05:00

K-$$ hits up the ghetto

Yeah thats right. New Bedford. Sketchyest place on earth. Lets put it this way, while I was fixing some dude's computer ... the guy next door got shot at by his girlfriend, because he was caught cheating. A place so sketchy, that we couldnt park on one side of the street, because the "Puerto Ricans" owned that block and if we did our car would get fucked within 5 minutes. But what else can you expect from a place thats a major entrance point for drugs to the Northeast. A place where a crazy night isnt something like getting into a fight ... a crazy night is stabbing someone for saying the wrong thing. Scary shit ...

So yeah, the usual insomnia. But anyone who had Ms.Alderuccio will appreciate the piece of poetry I came across in my Internet searching. Now just imagine, its this like depressed Impressionist poem ... and our French teacher 8th grade tried to get us to study it? and memorize it? I can't say she never tried to teach us anything ...

Il pleure dans mon coeur
Comme il pleut sur la ville ;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon coeur ?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie
Par terre et sur les toits !
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,
Ô le chant de la pluie !

Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure.
Quoi ! nulle trahison ?...
Ce deuil est sans raison.

C'est bien la pire peine
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon coeur a tant de peine !

K-$$ est allé.

2003-12-28T04:37:00.000-05:00

Who let this girl talk?

TheMuslimWonder (4:32:55 AM): jesus, when do you sleep
DDHoOpZ (4:33:19 AM): heh wen i dont have cock in my mouth or ass
TheMuslimWonder (4:33:33 AM): hahahaha
DDHoOpZ (4:34:11 AM): yup thats profile material right there kurdi w00t w00t
TheMuslimWonder (4:34:28 AM): dude it is
TheMuslimWonder (4:34:33 AM): great idea
TheMuslimWonder (4:34:55 AM): even better, it's gonna be tonights entry in my online journal thing
DDHoOpZ (4:35:05 AM): omgggggggg
DDHoOpZ (4:35:17 AM): that wud be so sickkkkkkkk
TheMuslimWonder (4:35:48 AM): my life would lose alot of laughter without you buddy
DDHoOpZ (4:36:19 AM): yea kaddd fucking so darunk now

I love Atown

K-$$ out.

2003-12-26T02:41:00.000-05:00

I hate my life

Ok maybe that's an overstatement, but I can't say I'm happy with the way things are going. Which is sad, seeing as I'm a good kid kicking ass at a great college. Why am I not happy, and worse, why am I miserable and wishing I was anyone else except me. Seems like a terrible waste, wanting to trade my virtues for the bliss of getting drunk every weekend and have a short term girlfriend ... and that realization just makes me feel worse. I miss the way things were a lil over a year ago, when I'd flirt with girls and suck at it, but still have the guts (in ignorance) to do it. When I was so ignorant, and I was making mistakes at life and learning. Back then, there was no such thing as regret, that's today's word of the year. In fact, it started around this time last year. Funny how things build up simultaneously ... The greatest days of my life tend to set up the biggest subsequent disappointments, and they set each other up simulatneously. How do you go through life like that? Shortchanging every blessing you get, just waiting for the world to crash.

The newest disappointment is Lebanon: It's always on my mind, and drains the happiness from my life here. They were the best days of my life, but they gave way to some of the darkest. I know that one day I'm going back, and I'm going to be SO happy ... but in return for that realization it seems I'm never gonna be happy here in the States. These days are some of my most productive: reading books, looking better/older, getting great grades in school, turning a decent income with work, being very social at school. Of course, these days have been really miserable: no love interest, missing my life in Lebanon, feeling like life is more and more shallow with every waking day and every party. And I don't have the mental toughness to keep this up much longer.

So to sum it up, I'm growing up alot and becoming a much better person ... the only problem is, its killing me. Growing "stronger" every day, as I drive closer to the brink of insanity. Paradox?

K-$$ out.

2003-12-24T03:55:00.000-05:00

A Hole in the World

This vacation has been relaxing, but too relaxing. I realize that I don't know what to do with myself if I dont have orders to do something. I've taken to reading books, but that hasn't been enough. I've spent most of this vacation in a really bad mood, simply because when I don't have things to occupy my mind I think about myself and that's depressing. Mostly I think about where my life is going presently here in America, like what I'm after and what I'm doing to get whatever it is I'm after. I realize that what I want most right now is a girlfriend, but how a temporary timebomb relationship dosen't fit into my overall scheme of things. This paradox consumes alot of my thinking time, and I can't seem to find a decent solution.

If we wanna examine the possibilities, cuz I have nothing better to do at 4am, they're all pretty depressing. If I want to consider the drunken random hookup scene it fails on religious and ethical problems: namely, I'm too Muslim and too much of a nice guy. On the subject of having a legit girlfriend, both the short-term and long-term don't work out. The problems with short-term are financial mostly: namely, I'm broke without a car. I'm also too busy with school. The long-term girlfriend scenario, which would be the best for an emo kid like me, is also the most depressing. It fails on ethical and "I'm a pussy" reasons: namely, I know I'm going back to Lebanon, so I wouldnt be a prick and get into a serious relationship only to peace out. I've already done that, sort of. The "I'm a pussy" reason is pretty self explanatory: I'm a pussy.

So what is open to me? So far marriage in Lebanon seems about the only thing that works. Seeing as that's not until I move there, it seems pretty far off. Kinda sucks. Alot. Oh well, back to reading my book and listening to Thursday ...

I don't want to feel this way forever
A dead letter marked return to sender

K-$$ out.

2003-12-22T03:32:00.000-05:00

In Da Club

Awtar night at 711 Boyleston was a good time. Talking to cute Lebanese girls is awesome, and just sitting around in an arab scene was relaxing. Unfortunatly, it has reminded me of how much I miss Lebanon. In fact just discussing Lebanon with a cute lebanese armenian girl has been the highlight of the past couple days. No one understands my Lebanon rant, so I'm just gonna shut up now. This is my blog, but the audience is everyone on the Internet ... so a lil audience consideration never killed anyone. But just to remind me later when I look back on this night through my blog, I just want to make it clear that I'm rediculously homesick. But I have to be here, not going to throw away the opportunity BC gave me just because I'm lonely ... and besides, I'd prolly end up a mess missing my friends if I was in Lebanon.

Idea: I go over this summer, get married, and come back with her. She learns English, sees a bit of the world, and I'll be happy. Then we can move back, or stay here. Great idea ... I'm gonna run it by my parents.

GPA Update: I got an A in Freshman Writing (That makes 3 As and an A- so far) This brings my GPA to a 3.93 ... rediculous

K-$$ out.

2003-12-21T02:46:00.000-05:00

I'm on the brink

I freewrote this a couple seconds ago, I might as well post it to remind myself how bad I get when I get into a funk

Learning how to start a fire so I can scorch the sky. I'd pull down the sky, and replace it with my mental imagery. Then everyone else could spend their days imagining shapes in plumes of black smoke, and let the ash cloud their eyes until they tear up. I'd turn the bright blue sky into a hopeless furnace that would incinerate hope, and inspire nightmares.

I think if I cut myself, I would bleed emo lyrics. It's that bad tonight.

When are they going to come out with an over the counter version of Prozac? Oh wait, I forgot they already have that. It's called sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Being cynical is awesome. Fuck off.

P.P.S

I have my health, faith, intelligence, great family, great friends,a home in another part of the world, a 3.9 GPA and over 80% of college tuition paid off in scholarships, and I'm fluent in two languages.

So why am I miserable and up at 3am, jealous of people that don't have even half of the blessings I do? Fuck you constant male sex drive, this is war.

P.P.P.S

Oh yeah, the 4am update ... I just want to say it's nights like these that make me want to hop on a plane to Lebanon as soon as possible. But I know I can't. There is still too much to be done here in the States. I really wish my "save the world" complex would take a fucking hike. I just want to let myself be selfish, and to flip out at the first person that talks to me. I want to be an asshole, I want to open the fucking pressure valve thats been ratcheting up the pressure ... I want to be more like other people. I want to get over the past. I want to be complacent. I want to stop trying to be better than everyone, and then to try and be there for them. I want to be a prick. I want peace of mind. I want peace.

2003-12-21T02:18:00.000-05:00

File under 'S' for sex offender

Remind me never to DJ a sweet 16 party ever again. I just can't deal with how much of a dirty old man I am.

DJ K-$$ out.

2003-12-20T03:45:00.000-05:00

Don't cut the green wire

After a bit of conversation with Ali on this night where no one picked up their cell phones, I came to really think about the problem of dating here in America. It just seems to me, every time we ask someone out we're setting up a timebomb. Who enters a relationship thinking it will last forever? Now thats just being naive, but being realistic is even worse. If you wanna be realistic, you get what you want from your relationship then jump ship. The relationship's tainted, you cant just go back to being friends (if you were ever friends to start). Boom. Timebomb goes off.

I look at 90% of the relationships I'm exposed to, and they start off from the get-go with fatal flaws. Too many people let themselves become victims of circumstance. Ask a couple if they think they're going to get married: they'll tell you its too early to talk about that, or they'll tell you they arent going to marry their current boyfriend/girlfriend. Ask them when they're gonna break up: they'll tell you why would they think to break up, or they'll break up when they have a reason to. Frederich Nietzsche said "There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." These relationships dont have general reason and wisdom built into them, they're just convienient at the time. We give into what works now, and we forget about later. But then again, we dont just do that in love ... our future, our society, and even our politics suffer from this lack of foresight.

I'm not saying people can't fall in love here in America, I'm just saying we make it so difficult to. As guys, its our nature: we want ass. I'm not perfect, i'm not an example of someone who's doing the right thing by any means. Whether its by nature, or by reaction to circumstances and culture, we go for the path of least resistance or girls that put out. Love is ruled out there, because lets face it, we don't have respect for girls that we can get easily. We dont. We like you, but you dont respect you. As for trying to "date", that seems just as arbitrary. Oh yeah, we go out a couple times, and get to know each other on a superficial level: thats enough justification to fuck and fall in "love". Relationships like that are superficial, and very much victim to circumstances ... no matter how real the feelings are. Whether its going off to college, or going away on a trip: you're held hostage my circumstance. Roger de Bussy said "Wind is to fire, as distance is to love: it extinguishes the small, and kindles the great."

Girls, I'm not one of you so maybe I don't understand but I have heard that being too nice is a problem when looking for a significant other. Now why is that? Because it makes it all the more difficult to timebomb the relationship when circumstances change? Girls have a strong aversion to dating friends: why? I don't have the answer, and frankly I'm not looking for it. Ok maybe I am, because it boggles my mind. I have a guess, and it goes along with my timebomb analogy. People now, regardless of what they say, have the most selfish motives when it comes to looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's why we date strangers, it's why we let ourselves get drunk and hook up with anyone, and its why we subvert reality to justify a long term relationship. We arent looking for love right now, we're looking for an outlet. Girls I'm guessing, know this at some level. They arent looking for real love, they're looking for something comfortable. Something fashionable. Something tangible, but not too attaching. Correct me if I'm wrong please. If your reading this, you probably have my AIM name. If not it's TheMuslimWonder.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-19T04:03:00.000-05:00

And on a related note ...

In the immortal words of Ashley J:

Live life like JouJou do :o)

K-$$ out.

2003-12-19T03:23:00.000-05:00

It's a blog kinda night

And by blog kind of night, I mean its 3am, I'm listening to Punk Goes Acoustic (Yellowcard - Firewater in particular), talking on AIM and in a "meh" kinda mindstate. I'm gonna offer a hypothesis and say this is the reaction to my being outgoing and happy earlier. I dont have the most mental stamina when it comes to being outgoing ... I'm going to have to work on that. I am starting to very much buy into that Monoamine Neurotransmitter Theory for Depression (the one saying that its caused by chemical imbalances) Not saying I'm depressed: I'm not. But like right now ... what is the difference between now and 4 hours ago in terms of shit going on in my life? The correct answer is, nothing. Maybe I'm just tired ... but then why can't I sleep?

Don't get me wrong ... I'm not miserable or anything. Just worn out. This vacation is much needed. A little time to step back, and not push myself to be the best I can be. Maybe I could arrange a ceasefire with my demons. A temporary ceasefire to rebuild to keep up the struggle ...

Even in my attempts to condemn my overanalyzation ... I overanalyze with stupid analogies. Ow my head.

P.S Happyness, Sadness ... they're just an endless cycle unless you can fit them into an overall scheme. Happyness shouldn't be the objective of life. It should be a byproduct, a feeling synthesized from completeing something for the greater good. Going to spend the rest of the night trying to convince myself of that ... and praying I did good on my finals.

K-$$ out

2003-12-18T01:21:00.000-05:00

Not an intellectual pedestrian by any measure of the word ...

I finally realized why I suck at girls and sports ... I'M FUCKING AMAZING AT ACADEMICS

So far, with 1 class reporting in I have a 3.67 GPA ... that class was Music, the one I did the worst in.

The Arabic is huge! That puts you in another category in terms of possible internships, e.g. State Dept summer opps, etc. and opportunities.... Are you a US citizen?
Let me know when you have questions about courses, e.g. to compare

The head of the Poli Sci track of the International Studies major ... As long as I dont fuck up this second semester, I'm so fucking in (Inshaa Allah ...)

So how about this new dimention of my personality ... the Justice quotes in my profile, away messages ... the change to poli sci ... the good grades in school ... the job thing working out well ... the goatee .....

I'm growing up.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-17T01:22:00.000-05:00

Am I geek enough?

Ok so over the past 2 weeks I have been trying extra hard to fuck around with my schedule to

a.) Get great times and
b.) Get into classes that will help me get into the International Studies major

And with that respect, I have done pretty well. Assuming I convince the two proffessors I need to of letting me get overrides into their classes, I will have no classes Monday and Friday, and two of my professors will be really important people in the IS major. I figure, no sweat huh ... well turns out this guy I've been emailing, Prof. Deese, says only once in about 20 years has he let a first year student take a class like the one he teaches, that I wanna take. He says that if I have about a 3.8 GPA and I wanna kick my own ass in terms of academic difficulty we can chat about this. After I gawked for about a minute at having a 3.8 GPA ... I realized I could concievably get that (assuming I do very well on finals).

Calc: Solid A w/ A on final
History: A- likely
Comp Sci: A- likely w/A on final
Writing: A- likely
Music: A- w/A on final

So I mean ... I really am not that far off from a 3.8. Ok maybe im closer to 3.6, but still? Maybe being a huge geek this semester has paid off. It hasnt been fun, but it would def be worth it. I mean, these classes are like ... interesting. International Institutions, Faith Elements in Conflicts (taught by a guy that spent time as a conflict resolver in Lebanon), Modern History: Globalization I wouldnt mind not having a social life as long as I got interesting shit to study. So I just gotta pray in the meantime ... It's beginning to scare me how much I've grown up this semester ... But then again, me completely reinventing myself every year isnt anything new. I had a different personality every year of high school, why should college be any different?

Blog back in full effect, although ... this is kind of a serious/boring post. Well if you're disappointed, fuck off its my blog anyways. The posts about debauchery and mayhem are coming soon ...

P.S My whole ecclectic tutoring/DJing work thing is starting to work out really well. DJing jobs every weekend looks like a possibility, now all I gotta do is pick up another client or two tutoring and I'll be set. Wow ... I really do have my life together.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

Whoa ... I forgot about this thing

Yeah, sorry about the lack of updates again ... all I got is a final on Thursday and then I'm officially done. Then the l33test blog will be back in full effect. Until then, this little tid bit of Joe the Show outta suffice

Godslefthand: got a umass moment
Godslefthand:
Me: Eric (my roommate), what do you see in the laundry room?
Eric: Your bitch doing the laundry?
(joe leans back in his chair, wearing a robe, and smirks)
Me: The bitch doin' the laundry.

gg Joe, we gotta tear it up this break.

again, blog back in full effect after Thursday.

K-$$ out.

2003-12-10T03:21:00.000-05:00

Too busy for clever titles

Been so busy the past week, promise more posts after finals over

K-$$ out.

2003-12-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

Way away back home

YELLOWCARD TOMORROW!!! thats all i gotta say. Today sucked, but YELLOWCARD TOMORROWWWW

K-$$ out.

PS Early December is a flashbacky kind of time ... both good and bad.

2003-12-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Aladdin had a magic rug

and Rasheed has a magic coat. I swear to Allah, its magic!!

K-$$ out.

2003-11-30T02:34:00.000-05:00

Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey got NOTHING on K-$$

After an uneventful Saturday night, I've decided to just randomly IM people I havent talked to in a while. Why not?

Called my friend from school Jenn, but turns out Puerto Rico is in another time zone and I woke her up. GG m4v.

The symphony fuckin' BLEW. The music wasnt that bad, it was just the ass small seats, fuckin steep prices, and lame ass ettiquette. Not to mention the fact that I didnt get back in atown til 11pm.

Desousa has made me his secretary. He's gonna pay my phone bill, and give me 50 bucks a month to manage the phone calls he cant manage. Call my phone and listen to the voicemail for details.

Called the newly 21 year old Nick Davis. He's probably still cruising around Boston with a trunkfull of beers looking for a good time. God bless him.

Well thats about it for m4v's Weekend Update.

K-$$ out.

2003-11-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

w0000t for m4v

A very solid b-day indeed. Turkey Day is a great day to share your birthday with. And then there's always the weekend to really party it up, K-$$ style. (insert giant goofy sunglasses AIM face here)

Pretty happy with the way things are goin recently, not perfect ... but cant complain too much. I dont know if its the good mood making things go better, or if things goin better is making the mood good. All I know is, vacations and b-days are rarely a bad thing.

Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy b-day, it made me smile to come home to like 22 messages from different people when I left away messages up for a while. Standout messages include redheads, and Liz's online rendition of the happy b-day song in typing, and who could forget Jenn's l33t b-day greeting. Thanks all

K-$$ out.

2003-11-26T02:30:00.000-05:00

Back to school, Oh back to school ...

Visited the high school today with Ashley J. Talked to Ms.Rad, and Mr.DeCaprio for a while. Went upstairs to see Ms.Lahey but she wasnt around. It was really nice to see people I havent seen in months. I almost miss high school in some way, and that weirds me out. Things were much simpler 2 years ago. 2 years ago I had just finished applying to colleges, and hadnt yet began my nervous breakdown. That came during December break. Huge turning point.

Maybe its just my nature to always want the best of the past, without paying the cost in time for the experience I've gained. There are so many things I'd do differently if I could go back, I wonder sometimes. It's not that I regret where life's brought me. I just wish I knew ... what if ... Ok maybe I do have some regrets.

2:30 AM, 11/26. I turn 19 tomorrow.

K-$$ out.

2003-11-25T01:08:00.000-05:00

EID MUBARAAAAAAAKK

Oh man, its been a month but ... I can FINALLY eat and drink when the sun is out. w00000000000t. Well thats about it, didnt really do much today. Slept through my first class, so I didnt bother going to the other two. Tomorrow's Eid (Muslim Christmas) so I'm skippin that day. So thats how K-$$ turned Thanksgiving break into a 7-day vacation. Didnt get out of bed til 3pm, did hw, went out, did hw, and now this.

Well I guess the end of Ramadan poses some ethical questions ... do I go back to my old ways? I mean, I didnt drink much before Ramadan started ... do I go back to that? Or do I make an attempt to try and stop altogether? This would be much easier if I was in Lebanon ...

k-$$ out

2003-11-23T21:00:00.000-05:00

Punk Rock Shows All the Time

Thursday = fuckin ROCKED out

They played (not in this order):

For the Workforce Drowning
Understanding in a Car Crash
Cross out the Eyes
Jet Black New Year
Marches and Maneuvers (SO GOOD)
Steps Ascending
Division St
Between Rupture and Rapture
Signals Over the Air
This Song Brought to You By a Falling Bomb

it was also cool how me and Ali showed up late to the sold out show, and the guy at the door let us in JUST in time to see Thursday start their set. Mad props to that guy. Good weekend alltogether. Now a shortened week of school, no tutoring, and turkey day. Oh, and turning 19 too.

I was gonna shave the goatee off at the end of ramadan, but I'm giving it a temporary stay of execution on account of I like looking older and intellectual.

i'm CRAVING vacation ... it cant get here too soon ...

K-$$ out

2003-11-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

All that's left ...

The Saves the Day / Taking Back Sunday show was a great time. Saves the Day put on a great show, and Taking Back Sunday was just as nuts as ever. TBS played There's No I In Team which seemed a lil weird to me, but I'm not complaining. STD played "Nightengale" which was great. I was taking notes on the show for my Music paper, and more than a couple people asked If I was a reporter. So now I think I'm going to always carry a notepad and pen to every show I go to, and use it as a gimmick to pick up girls. . .

You know, I hate the fucking fact that I have to joke like that. That I need a "gimmick" to pick up girls. Fuck this culture that put that idea into my head. And fuck girls for being stupid sluts and needing to be toyed with before they give a nice guy the light of day. You reap what you sow. And fuck me for being a whiny bitch, and not learning to play "the game". and fuck blogger.com for giving me a podium to bitch from. Fuck the Internet for letting me vent my frustration in the first place, and making it easy to hide from the real world. Fuck diablo 2, counter-strike, and every other diversion I've wasted months of my time to. Fuck the Atlantic Ocean for making it so hard to get to Lebanon, and fuck the Mediterranean Sea for adding insult to injury. Fuck Western culture, Fuck War, Fuck Free Trade, Fuck the radio, Fuck facetious ignorant "punk" fans, fuck terrorists, fuck Israel, Fuck humanity, FUCK OFF

A ghost is all that's left
Of everything we swore we never would forget
We tried to bleed the sickness
But we drained our hearts instead
We are the dead

Thrice - All That's Left

2003-11-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

It seems as though a change is in order

I'm considering changing majors to Poli Sci. I think there's definatly a market for American educated, fluent in both English and Arabic, dual citizen American Muslims in the world of Middle East politics. And it seems much more exciting than programming ... guess I'll take a Political Science class next semester. Watch me come back in 25 years for my high school reunion as the Prime Minister of Lebanon.

"The Israelis were later to claim that 108 Israelis had been killed in PLO attacks since 1973. Their invasion now was about to kill an estimated 2,000 people, almost all of them civilian"

Robert Fisk in his book Pity the Nation: The Abduction of Lebanon about the Israeli incursion into south Lebanon in 1978.

I'm still wondering who wrote the blank check against the bankroll of Hitler's attrocities that gives the Israelis carte blanche to commit any offense they want today ...

Prime Minister K-$$ out

2003-11-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

Trivial Pursuit

Today the book I ordered from Amazon.com came. It's caled "Pity the Nation: The Abduction of Lebanon" and is about the civil wars, and invasions that have engulfed my second home of Lebanon the past 30 years. It's all part of this new found curiousity in finding out about my roots, and the civil war that my parents fled from and brought them to this country almost 30 years ago definatly qualifies. I read about 70 pages in, and some very profound things have dawned on me. After reading about half a dozen personal accounts of tragedy, everything from Holocaust survivors to displaced Palestinians, I realize that I am such a whining bitch. Lets think about the problems that plague my existance: Getting good grades in college, not having enough time to play computer games, picking what to wear in the morning, and having an hour commute to school. Boo hoo. It's starting to dawn on me how incredibly trivial my life is at this point. What am I doing? I should be doing something ... anything of value. Writing a book about a story that no one hears about, fighting against tyranny, or something that people would look back on and admire. Even sitting here and listening to music is starting to annoy me: I'm so content with my inaction, and complacent in wallowing in self pity. I'm dissatisfied with my life. So what do I do about it? I stay up late, write a post in my blog and go to bed. Way to embrace change and take action with your life K-$$ ...

Pity the nation that despises a passion in its dream,
yet submits in its awakening
Pity the nation divided into fragments,
each fragment deeming itself a nation

Khalil Gibran
Lebanese Poet

2003-11-16T03:51:00.000-05:00

Dude where's my walkman

Good things tonight:
1.) Doing my first DJ job all by myself
2.) Seeing Ariel Gonzalez there (and then having him dedicate the song Ariels in the Sky to himself)
3.) The cute girl in the cheerleader outift that smiled at me. That and Cipolle calling me a dirty old man. Shut up Mark, she was at least 17.

but if it was a good day ... why am I listening to From Autumn to Ashes at 3:45am instead of sleeping?

its past 3am and i'm still far from sleep,
and this is a habit i cant break,
you're my only company

that and a good bit of Thrice

i know that there's a point I've missed
a shrine or stone i haven't kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn't met my fist
but i can't help feeling that i'm

due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes

K-$$ out

2003-11-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

2003-11-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

Dr.Rasheed and the Glasses of Doom

Yeah, thats right: I got glasses. So in addition to being able to see more than 7 inches in front of my face, I also think I look smarter in glasses. This all leads to a very scary phenomenon: An even MORE intellectually arrogant K-$$. Lets call him Dr.Rasheed.

So Dr.Rasheed strolls into Modern World History today with 4 eyes and an intellectual axe to grind. We had a guest lecturer today, the head of the Black Studies Department at BC, to lecture use on Slaves and the Plantation System. All goes well untill our guest lecturer says "The Plantation System was antithetical to early capitalism" Now, maybe K-$$ would have let that slip but Dr.Rasheed is one egotistical fuck. I wait til he asks for questions, and then raise my hand and begin "You say that the Plantation System ran contrary to capitalism, but it seems to me they are very similar. Profit maximization, international finance, and a cash economy are all important to early capitalism, and were found in the Plantation System." The lecturer fires back with how the labour force wasnt free, and was not educated to learn new technologies. Dr.Rasheed shoots right back with Eli Whitney and the motherfucking cotton gin. This goes back and forth, and after 5 min we're in a stalemate when the lecturer states that he's running out of time and has to continue the lecture. So the intellectual freight train that is Dr.Rasheed is born. To wrap it up, my history proffessor was impressed, my 120 classmates were like "WTF?!?", 1 kid clapped, and I'm 10 times more intellectually cocky now. Yup, def created a monster ...

Someone wanna punch me in the face and break these cursed glasses? Oh wait, no ... Dr.Rasheed saw this coming and bought FLEXON frames with INDEXTRUCTABLE lenses. Gonna be an interesting rest of the semester ...

In other news ...

Got the Yellowcard tickets, going to an Arabic bar type thing Friday, gotta buy tickets to Thursday/Thrice, and 2 books on Lebanon and Hezbollah coming in the mail

Started taking generic Claratin shit ... w00t for hopefully being able to breathe out my nose for the first time in 19 years ... oh shit thats right, I turn 19 soon. w000000000000000t

K-$$ out

2003-11-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

JOE THE SHOW!!!

This is why Joe is one of my favorite people

Godslefthand: anyhow
Godslefthand: i am probably going to go out with a girl on my hall
Godslefthand: the kicker
Godslefthand: is that my roommate is going out with her roommate
Godslefthand: so girl 1 does not want girl 2 to know
Godslefthand: and girl 1 was discussing something when girl 2 walked in and talked to me near my monitor
Godslefthand: so, the away message had to go up

You sly SOB joe, pwnz her b0x f0 sh0. gg @ life.

K-$$ out

2003-11-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

Now lets give a warm welcome to our newest member...

Hi, my name's Rich and uh ... well how do I put this ... I'm addicted to redheaded girls. Why just today, I was minding my own business walking to class when the best looking redhead I've seen in ... about 2 years walks by. I dont remember the next 5 minutes after that. It wasnt just that she had red hair, it was the BEST color red. it had these lighter highlites in it and ... yea so anyways ... where was I ... well, the next thing I remember is I'm on the other side of campus and late for class. It was then I realized: This is a real problem. I'm tired of living with the stigma of having a "fetish", and im sick of being called a psycho, and having every dude I ever tell that I like redheaded girls snicker and say "heh firebox heh heh". So I guess thats why i'm here ... Thanks for listening.

K-$$ out

2003-11-03T23:38:00.000-05:00

File Under: Just My Luck

Ok might as well fill anyone who reads this thing on my wonderful day after Halloween. You see, I had to work DJing a Halloween party in Newton. Ok wiseass I know it was November 1st but I dont ask questions, I just play music. So all goes pretty well, this being the first time I'm DJing all on my own. Desousa drops by at the end, and we pack up the shit. We've got half the shit already in the van, before some schmuck decides to start a fight. Other schmucks decide why not, pretty soon we've got a pretty good scuffle going. Cops get called, they put us all under lockdown. A cop takes down my name, address, social etc. I didnt get outta there til 2am, and my job technically ended at midnight. Although there were a couple funny moments, like the dumbass who wore a doctors costume to the party but brought REAL SYRINGES AND NEEDLES. Man he's fucked that the cops busted in on the scene. Then while talking to a cop I hear on the cop's radio "Report of a break in to a vehicle on College Rd ..." and I'm thinking "Hey thats near BC" then 2 Newton cops run out and go "Hey boss, you wanna head over to College Rd and watch BC fuck up this stolen car case?". Good ol' BCPD, nice to know they have the confidence of their peers ...

Finished about 95% of my comp sci hw, but that last 5% is driving me fucking insane. Got a solid A on a history paper though. Just another one of those up and down days ... If this bipolar shit keeps up, I'm gonna start self medicating myself by sucking the lithium outta batteries and funnelling bleach. or just play more computer games, and listen to Thursday .... w00t Thursday = pwnage. (Thursday is the name of a band for all your n00bs, I know its Tuesday tomorrow...)

K-$$ down and out-

2003-11-01T04:07:00.000-05:00

Trick or Treat

I have this crazy love/hate relationship with Halloween. I love it because I've never seen so many schoolgirls, nurses, etc I wanna bang through a brick wall. I hate it because I'm not putting them through walls. I'm going to be good this holy month of Ramadan, so why do I subject myself to the torture that is going around college neighborhoods with Halloween in full effect? Meh. I thought fasting was suppose to suppress your sex drive? I hope you've got some rhyme and reason for driving me nuts like this God ...

Going to go immerse myself in computer games, and listen to emo like the loser that I am. woohoo. Is it summer yet??

K-$$ out

2003-10-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

Swing life away ...

So I've had a week to digest the fact that its not only possible, but probable I wont be here in the summer. I'm gonna have to say I'm taking it well. Ramadan started up a couple days ago, so I've been trying to be a bit more religious. One thing about fasting is it kills the sex drive like no other, so I've actually had plenty of time to think about OTHER things besides girls. Crazy ...

I started working on a CD trying to capsulize the feelings of my Lebanon trip. And I just try, and fail and try and try again and someday I swear I'm gonna get it (that isnt plagerized or anything ...) You can check out the songs on it but Right-clicking on my name in your buddylist and going to Get File, and following the directions. So far 4 outta the 5 songs are acoustic, its gonna be a real chill CD. With dark undertones.

Yeah so, just thought I'd drop this blog shit a line before bed. Which is 10pm and thats late. 4am comes too soon. I promise next update I'll talk about things like school, and probably Halloween fun. And then I'll wonder why I even write in this thing. Yeah, humor next time, I swear ...

K-$$ out

2003-10-22T21:00:00.000-04:00

The mother of all updates ...

Some of you wanted an update to my blog, and I had said there's nothing post-worthy to comment on. Well all that changed about 10 minutes ago. So here goes ...

I'm moving this summer. My parents just told me. I'm moving away.

I'm in shock. I can't think right now, all I could do was muster up the mental energy to write this short post. Holy shit.

2003-10-21T23:53:00.000-04:00

Up and Down and Up and ...

Tuesday is the most brutal day. I missed half my first class this morning because I didnt wanna get outta bed, BUT found out im getting a solid B+ in Music when i have NO IDEA whats going on in that class at all. I found out Im gonna have to go for the BS in Computer Science, BUT I can do most of my requirements in classes that I'm gonna enjoy (high level math and physics). I had 4 students scheduled for tutoring, BUT only 2 showed up. I was completely beat, BUT I decided to visit b4d0nk4d0nk and talking about music always is fun. I called Desousa to pick me up from Alewife BUT he didnt pick up, so I walked home. I had Math HW to do BUT Jenn from school called and we did it over the phone, so it was as much fun as calc hw can be.

The best thing about Tuesday is its over ...

"Maybe the night seems so dark, because the day is much too bright"

m4v out-

2003-10-19T03:37:00.000-04:00

What ever happened to Johnny A

Things that were pricessless tonight:

1.) Cousin Manny trying to fight Desousa because he didnt wanna back down

2.) Hands down the funniest thing ever: George's "Easy Access" ass zipper, and every single gay joke that came with it

3.) "hey do you remember when we had sex?" "no I dont ..." "awwwww" "aw im sorry!!" - hahaha cutest drunk ever

4.) Seeing Johnny A for the first time in a year ... come on you know you've all missed that kid

5.) Maherakis drunk after 2 beers, telling everyone to "Gargle his balls"

6.) "Whoa, when did you have sex? Your not suppose to have sex, your the innocent one!" WTF COME ON hahaha

7.) My wicked shiny face because im a "Sunny" Muslim

Many many other dumb things we are all guilty of saying ... hilarious night all, and if anyone remembers more tell me

Now I gotta write letters to Lebanon ... I miss my family tons

K-$$ Out

2003-10-17T01:10:00.000-04:00

And everything good must come to an end

Hell of a season Red Sox, thanks for the great run.

and YANKEES SUCK!!!!

m4v 0ut

2003-10-16T17:01:00.000-04:00

K-$$ #1!!, VC #10!!!

Those of you that don't commute around the wonderful city of Boston are missing out on what could be the 1st wonder of the Modern World: The T. The randomness of the people you will meet on the T is remarkable. Take this story ...

So I've got a music midterm this morning, so I get up earlier than usual and take the bus over to Harvard Sq to catch the bus to BC. Only today, the bus didnt come on schedule. Neither did the next one. Or the next one. So the realization that I'm gonna be late to my midterm hits me and I stand there and look pissed off. Enter scruffy, old homeless guy. Before I can wave him off and say I dont have any spare change he jumps right into dialog: "What is it with these broads anyways? They're always looking at me. Well fuck those sluts" Well a funny homeless bum beats a sad looking one any day so we get to talking. Turns out this guy is a Vietnam vet with plenty of going away presents from Charlie, like a 6" gash along the top of his head, and a bullet lodged in his side. Before you say he was just lying, he lifted his shirt and squeezed where the bullet was and it made the outline of a spherical object. But homeless vietnam vets are nothing uncommon, and this is where our story takes a twist.

My new friend tells me he's got court in the morning, and I ask oh what for expecting it to be tresspassing or something those silly homeless people do. Nope. Armed Robbery. A repeat offender apparently. By his own admission, my homeless buddy had spent the better part of the last 20 years behind bars. After he came back from 'Nam, disabled and jobless with family to support, he did what any self respecting American would do and rob other people. By his records he was charged with 33 counts of armed robbery, and sent to Walpole. And this is still pretty normal.

By the time he gets to Walpole he meets a child molester that disgusts him. I mean this guy raped little kids come on, how could you like him? So my bum friend, the champion of American morals he is, decides that this guy isnt good enough to live. So he and some of his other Vietnam vet brothers concoct a plan to send this bastard to hell. One of them, a model prisoner, stole a knife from the shop. Then when the molester went to the bathroom, they followed. There were no cameras in the bathroom he explained, everywhere else though. They gutted the child rapist, cleaned the knife off and one of the accomplices took the knife and hid it somewhere. Eventually the police found the body, and put my friend under suspicion of murder. But they could never prove it, and by his account the guards sometimes let inmates kill the really bad inmates. These guys deserved death, he was adament in saying and he gave it to them. They never did formally prove he killed the guy.

So yeah, try talking to a homeless guy once in a while. It was a hell of a story, true or false, so I gave him 5 bucks to buy a pack of smokes, and wished him good luck in court. He thanked me, and gave me a salute. I saluted him back, and got on the bus, and resumed my normal, suburban life.

P.S GAME 7 TONIGHT BABY!!!

2003-10-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

m4v's Philosophy Corner ...

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

-Nietzsche

All I ever see, is one or two feet in front of me
And no matter how far I get
I've always got one demon left
And all the time I gave
I dug myself a deeper grave
And its not the same
I need to wake up,
'cause this aint a fucking game

-Vin from The Movielife

2003-10-14T00:20:00.000-04:00

Guess who's back, back again . . .

Ok So it's been almost 3 weeks since I've wrote in this thing, and I dont even have a link to it in my profile but I'm back. To be honest, I havent had much postworthy material these past few weeks. Good grades on tests, finding new girls to swoon over, etc, etc. However, this Saturday was pwnage. Partying with the man, the myth, the legend: Joe "the Show" Lorden. Between some kid pounding like 3 beers in a row, or peer pressuring people to drink by chanting a cleverly constructed nickname for them, or just me telling some of my stories from Lebanon it was a grand ol' time. Big shout out to the aforementioned Joe the Show, and anyone else out there thats got a nickname too. GG l33t.

Other things:

And Subspace with mahhh nigga Dr.Claw aka the FRANchise, is back in FULL effect

Excursions into the ghetto, and celebratory BK runs with mahhhh niggah Treez always the way to be

I dont know wtf is wrong with any girl in the CT area ... Nick Davis is down there at school. Make like Montrose and Jump On It already and claim a l33t among men. We'd call in the National Guard to regulate the situation but they're too busy getting shot at by 12 yr old kids in Iraq . . .

Sword fights with Cipolle, Capasso, Barbosa and Yours Truly: Coming to an elementary school playground near you.

way to even it up Sox 2 a piece ... COWBOY UP!!!

And Your Favorite Muslim has a new nickname, K-Money (or K-$$ for short) is now in full effect.

That is all.

K-$$ out

2003-09-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

What Ive learned while in the Arab Student Association

1.) A Liquor store I can buy from as long as I talk in Arabic to the guy
2.) A club I can drink at and get in as long as I speak Arabic to the guy at the door
3.) A mod I can party/pregame at because he's a fellow member
4.) I really need to buy a hookah

oh and in other facts:

Rounders is a great movie

that is all.

-m4v 0ut

2003-09-17T23:50:00.000-04:00

In full effect...

Today fucking r0xed the b0x and for no particular reason. ohhhh man 2 easy days coming up, tutoring, DJing. w00t. So i suppose I can stay up late with maaah nigga davis and wax intellectual over Comp Sci, and zing wowie zowie over numerous topics.

PS Apparently im gonna join the Arabic club. w00t

-m4v 0ut

2003-09-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

oh shit forgot about this thing

Yeah been a lil too busy to update this, and on that note ... time to watch Desperado before bed.

monday = OVERRRRRRRRRR

-m4v 0ut

2003-09-10T21:32:00.000-04:00

The quiet things that no one ever knows ...

The past 2 days have been so long and painful. I should have known though, i had too much fun the couple days before it. See, there's no balance to my life. Its like "lets have 2 amazing days, then 3 days of hell, and shit why not throw in a half and half day". Ugh. And there's never a reason why one day is better than the other. Everyday has the same ammount of good and bad shit, its just what I choose to emphasize that day. sweet overanalyzation. I think there's a straylight run lyric about overanalyzing ... maybe ill go listen to them .... and pass out CUZ I GET TO WAKE UP AT 6AM TOMORROW. w00000t commuter life

Although...I do start being the official tutor for Prof. Shaheen for her 3 Intro to Arabic classes tomorrow. Yup. Looks like I got a job.

-m4v 0ut

2003-09-09T01:29:00.000-04:00

Booooo

No Straylight tonight on account of they would get on stage at 12:15am, so def no time to catch the T. Oh well, im over it. The Brand New headlining tour with Straylight and Hot Rod Circuit is going to A.M.A.Z.I.N.G assuming it happens. Today was a fun day over at Suffolk (shout out to all the girls in b4d0nk's suite), could have ended on a better note but what can ya do. Also not looking forward to waking up in ... oh lets say 4 and half hours as of this post ...

-m4v 0ut

2003-09-08T01:31:00.000-04:00

BRUUUUUUUUCE

Ok I know I havent written in this in a while, but I havent had much postworthy material. The last couple days have been siiiiiiick, finishing up with THE BOSS @ FENWAY FUCKING PARK. I WINZ. Concert was great. and fucking straylight run in like 18 hours from now. w00000000000t. AND cute girls at BC. and lets not forget swooning over my music soulmate's suitemate. hahaha great times guys. Looking forward to this week

-m4v 0ut

PS where the fuck are you davis? GET THAT COMP SHIT FIXED DI DI MAU

PPS Brand New, Straylight Run, Hot Rod Circut Tour? Brand New headlining? OH FUCK YES HOPEFULLY SOON.

2003-09-03T23:13:00.000-04:00

True Life: Im a commuter

Well 2 days in, and im not gonna lie: its not too bad. Im def still adjusting, and im gonna be tired as FUCK tomorrow when I wake up at 6am but hey its the price I pay. My profs are really cool, the classes look easy, the girls look cute, and hey this dosent seem so bad. yay college. Well its late, and 6 hours sleep looks amazing right now.

-m4v 0uT

2003-09-01T22:23:00.000-04:00

I CAN GIVE YOU HOUSE!!

Ok first off, that was the funniest car ride home ever. D-Devil's techno blaring, and me yelling out the window at everyone that passed by. GG m4v. I have been on fire the past 2 days. While DJing that cruise with desousa, I put on Beastie Boys - Fight for Your Right To Party, and one kid ran his mouth and said "what is this shit?" as the song started. Then just as it got loud i look over at him and go "its this shit kid" and the loud guitar riff starts and everyone cheers and laughs at the kid. I r t3h WINZ!@! Oh god yeah.

PS DJing = lots of girls attention focused on you = never a bad thing

PPS School starts tomorrow!!!

PPPS I <3 MN

PPPPS d4V1S IS BAAAAAAAACK MOTHERFUCKERZ, LET THE CS BEGIN

-m4v 0u7

2003-08-31T14:09:00.000-04:00

Pahhhhhhhhhty

Never a dull moment around Mike Desousa. I wake up today to the sound of the telephone and Desousa seeing if I could help him with equipment while he DJs a party on a cruise. w00t.

2003-08-30T20:54:00.000-04:00

In Da Club

Thats right, Rasheed's goin clubbin. Oh you know how we do . . . Summer's goin out with a bang fo shooooooo.

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-30T01:33:00.000-04:00

Wearing Thin . . .

Im not gonna lie: Atown's a nice place and all, but I cant honestly say I'd rather be here than say Lebanon. I mean, if it comes down to a straight comparison ... There isnt much incentive to stay here. Anyone with a countdown til they go back to school knows what im talking about. Lets face it: Alot of people just prefer school to home now, and Im no different. I find myself missing the lifestyle I live over there more and more everyday. I find myself homesick. And I cant wait til I go back. . .

I just hope the novelty of new people and things in college offsets the boredom of living here

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

File under: PWNAGE

I'd just like to say that me, Eric, Deanna, Ashley, and Annemarie absolutly owned the white trash family at hampton in Laser Tag 81-35, even though we were shorthanded. MVP goes to m4v for being a total hero and diving and crawling to avoid being hit. GG all.

Anyways ... goin to the bookstore @ BC tomorrow to pick up some books, maybe visit barbosa too. We shall see.

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-27T02:49:00.000-04:00

Just a thought . . .

As I lay here in bed, very comfortably, with my laptop close by ... I am very thankful that I am so l33t, and that I set up this wireless network. i r t3h h4x0r m4x0r f0 sh0 y0. l33tness. GG m4v WINNARRRRRRRRRR.

Late night posts = l33t ramblings = so good.

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

I r t3h concussed (as Fran would say)

Well there's no way a concussion is gonna keep me down. Im headin out with Palmer and Desousa like whoa. Where will we end up? Who knows, but chances are with Desousa and Eric in tow its gonna be a funny ass night. Details to come if anything cool happens . . .

Oh, and def check out Straylight Run: 9/8 @ The Middle East in Cambridge MA

PS - I <3 Michelle Nolan (Girl in above pic, member of Straylight Run)

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-26T18:20:00.000-04:00

Never met a flight of stairs I liked . . .

Carpenters' Bill: $30
Emergency Room Bill: $50
Assorted Food Expenses: $40
Falling down a flight of stairs, getting a concussion and being a huge asshole at fran's cape house:

Priceless.

Thanks to everyone that took care of me, and dont take anything I said personally.

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-24T17:54:00.000-04:00

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEEEEE

Oh yes, m4v and some of the boys hit Cape Cod like a perfect storm. Mothers lock your daughters, its gonna too l33t for words. A post with all the details to come.

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-24T03:19:00.000-04:00

Jump On It!!!

Oh man, Keating's house was hilarious, as shown in some of the pictures I have. Lordan and a handle of cheap vodka: need I say more? It was one of those parties where it was so fun to just be sober and take in everything going on. And its always fun having girls come on to you. Always. First rule of m4v's life. 2 posts deep and im already borderline emo. Sounds like a cue for bed.

Shout out to d4v!s, dude come down to the cape either tomorrow, day after, or day after that should be a great time.

PS: Its never a bad idea to ask a girl if she's got a boyfriend before you try and jump down her throat ... cough *Sampson* cough ....

PPS: Sorry the original logic behind the cape trip got shot to fuck cap, better luck next time guy. See you tomorrow boys.

PPPS: Im getting to work on a website now that I dont have work, w00t w00t

-m4v 0ut

2003-08-24T03:08:00.000-04:00

Lets start this up . . .

Well whats up Atown and beyond ... this is my blog. For those who dont know me ... why the fuck are you reading this? So im gonna assume you know me, and you know how I do.

-m4v 0ut